Holidays & Traditions

---

Holidays can be some of the hardest times when you’ve lost a loved one. My counsellor told me that it takes about three to five years of trying to celebrate holidays until you can actually enjoy them again. After Jake died, I wanted to skip them entirely. I still often have this feeling leading up to holidays. But I need to make them happen for my family. Over the years, I have come up with ways to include Jake in our traditions. I have found, over time, that although I don’t enjoy the anticipation of holidays, I get more joy than I expect from seeing my children’s happiness and seeing my extended family. It leaves me glad that we got a chance to celebrate.

Decorating the Gravestone:

Decorating Jake’s gravestone gives me a physical way to take care of him. It makes me feel like he’s included in the activities of the season. My kids enjoy helping me, and it shows anyone who walks by how loved he is.

Easter:

Our first two Easter egg hunts were at the cemetery. After we had more children, we moved it to our basement to reduce the effort with babies and toddlers, but we always have an Easter basket for Jake. Some years we have donated his basket to kids in need. Last year, in the context of Covid, we let our own kids divide it up.

Christmas:

Every year we decorate a Jake tree. We got this idea from our friend, Lynne, who does a “Reilly” tree for her daughter. Lynne buys a memorial ornament each year to add to her tree. Jake is the angel on the top of our tree. We have decorated the rest of the tree in decorations that remind us of Jake. The candy decorations represent stories I have written for the kids about Jake and Robin (more on that in later posts).

On Christmas Eve, we sing Christmas carols to Jake at his grave. This tradition can feel pretty heart-wrenching, but we like to get our emotions out and acknowledge Jake before all the busy activities of Christmas Day.

Santa always leaves a gift for Jake. We also donate to Operation Christmas Child. You can pick a child who is in the same age range and gender as your child and fill a box with gifts for them.

We also like to donate gifts or money to a family in need, in place of the gifts we would have bought Jake.

Halloween:

When we found out we were having twins, the first thing we did was look up twin Halloween costumes. We were most excited to do Luke and Leia. After Jake died, we decided that we still wanted to honour Jake with twin costumes. We dressed Robin as Leia and we dressed Jake’s favourite stuffed animal as Luke. Because I was dreading the grief triggers of Halloween, my friend, Sarah, dressed her son, Max, up as Han Solo. It was perfect. It gave Robin a little boy to trick-or-treat with, but it clearly did not replace Jake (Luke being the twin, and Han being the friend). Each year we dress up Jake’s stuffed cow in a costume that coordinates with his twin sister. They have so far been a dragon and a knight and Peppa and George Pig. This year they will be going as a Devil and an Angel. I’m glad Robin wants to be the Devil.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day:

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be tough ones for us. One of the most important things we find we need on those days is time by ourselves at the graveyard to experience our grief. For the other parts of the day, we try our best to make it a positive experience for the honoured parent, while still including Jake. My husband and I always give each other gifts from Jake. One year Jake’s gift to Rich was a donation to UNICEF to help reunite children with their parents after war or disaster. It seemed appropriate to help other parents and children be together, since we wish we could do that with Jake. One year Jake’s gift to me was sprouted kale and mint to plant in the garden so I could make his favourite smoothies.

Birthdays:

Robin and Jake’s birthdays are a crazy mix of feelings for us. We celebrate for Robin, while also wishing Jake could be there. Because their first birthday was the day after Jake died, it also brings back a lot of memories. We often find that if we make Jake’s death anniversary a day to focus on our grief, then we can celebrate their birthday with more good spirits. On Robin and Jake’s birthdays we have one cake for each of them. Robin also gets a gift from Jake and we donate Jake’s birthday present money to a family in need. There will be more on our traditions on Jake’s death anniversary in other posts (this day is one of our children’s favourite days of the year).

These traditions developed over the course of years, and are still developing now. What’s right for one family is not necessarily right for another. However, I hope that by sharing our traditions, it may help you think of ideas that work for you.

---