A Poem for When You Hate Parenting

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In the winter of the pandemic, I got really burnt out. I could not believe the feelings I had about my kids and about parenting. I had wanted children desperately while having fertility issues. I had lost a child and still desperately wanted him back. And yet, I felt like I couldn’t stand one more second with my children. When they called, “Moooooom!” from another room, I would close my eyes and shudder for a second, then answer, “Yeees?” in the sweetest voice I could muster, while feeling chest pain with every breath. I had so many negative feelings and so much guilt about it. I finally had to write out a list of things I loved vs. hated about being a parent. It really helped me partial out the situations that depleted me, from my actual love for the kids. That plus a therapy session took away most of the guilt. And it let me admit my feelings to friends, who would say, “Oh my gosh! I’m so relieved. I thought I was the only one who felt that way!” After the poem are comments from my psychologist sister and a friend. I think you’ll find those useful to read if you are also feeling the way I was.

I Love, I Hate.

I love my kids.

I hate how much they whine and cry.

I love engaging with my kids.

I hate playing the same pretend game over and over.

I hate being pulled to play three games at once while trying to do chores.

I love taking care of people who can’t take care of themselves.

I hate having a running cue of requests that I can’t get to the end of before being asked for something else.

I love cuddling my children.

I hate when they fight over my lap.

I love nursing my toddlers first thing in the morning.

I hate being asked to nurse every five minutes, all day.

I love nurturing with food.

I hate making three different meals because no one will eat the same thing.

I hate working hard to make meals that get rejected.

I love being in nature with my children.

I hate getting them into their winter clothes.

I hate the cold.

I hate being constantly vigilant for cars.

I hate chasing children as they wander off.

I love being with friends.

I hate that I can’t be inside with friends.

I hate getting constantly interrupted, by my children, while trying to have meaningful conversations.

I love being creative and crafty.

I hate not having the time and energy to be creative and crafty.

I love spending time with my husband.

I hate just dividing up child care and chores. 

I hate never having time alone with him when I’m not exhausted.

I love decluttering and organizing the house.

I hate trying to clean up while managing the kids.

I hate trying to get kids to clean up.

I love helping friends and family in need.

I hate knowing they are suffering and not being able to help because of social distancing or my own overwhelm.

I love dancing.

I hate forcing myself to dance with the kids when I’m exhausted. 

I love taking joy in the little things in life.

I hate every aspect of life when I am exhausted. 

My Psychologist Sister’s Response:

Oh, you have described exactly what it is like to have small children. Let alone during a pandemic! Happiness research has shown this for decades – that having children is amazing for your sense of purpose and meaning, and your happiness when you think about them, but a genuine blow to your day-to-day happiness.

People who do time-diary studies (where it beeps throughout the day and they record what they are doing and how happy they are) report being happiest doing things like watching TV. Basic, pleasant life things that you can’t do with little kids.

It’s like you are in graduate school for family. It’s an investment in your future happiness. Pretty soon you will have a more fun day-to-day life and also the joy of having kids, taking care of friends, seeing friends, nurturing people with food, etc.

So yeah, you hate your day-to-day life but love the purpose and meaning and have moments throughout the day that you truly do love. Those moments will increase.

My Friend’s Response:

I feel like this too…. and for me it bubbles up in resentment and rage…. and I only have 2 kids!

All the data suggests that previous generations of parents DID NOT spend as much time interacting with their kids. I don’t think it’s actually “normal” that we do (not evolutionarily expedient). So be easier on yourself for your feelings (self compassion!) This seething resentment/anger/loathing or however we experience it is exacerbated 100% by doing this in isolation. I think that evolution has resulted in the most effective method of child rearing being communal. The kids naturally interact with (between) themselves and unpack whatever creativity and learning they need to do through exploration and play, and Mothers can attend to their babies, chores and others together – sharing the load, and facilitating the psychological well-being of one another

Ever noticed how much easier it is to look after your kids WITH someone else’s?

Isolation IS torture. That’s not hyperbole. That’s fact.

How Am I Now?

I can now see friends, my oldest child is in school, and my toddlers are in daycare three days a week. I am no longer burnt out, and I am really enjoying my family. I am savouring how cute the kids are, and being silly and playful with them in a way I wasn’t capable of before. There is no need to feel guilty about feelings I had when I was burnt out. It wasn’t lack of love. It was lack of everything else I needed.

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