We have accumulated quite a few memorials since Jake’s death. Some have been our doing, but many have been done by friends and family. I wanted to post them here in case it gave you some ideas.

Park Bench

This park bench was donated by friends of ours. It has brought me a surprising amount of comfort and love. After Jake’s death, I found it difficult to be back at the playground where I used to take Jake and Robin. It’s actually still difficult. But almost every time I’m there, I use the bench as a conversation starter to tell people about Jake. One day, I mentioned the bench to a man who was pushing his baby on the swing.

He said, “You’re Jacob’s mom? My wife and I used to go for walks with our baby and sit on the bench to rest. We would talk about Jake and who he might have been. For a little while, the bench was gone and we were so sad. But then it came back and we were so glad to see it!”

He was eager to hear about Jake and see a picture of him. He couldn’t wait to tell his wife. That was two or three years ago. I saw him again just a few days before Jake’s death anniversary this year. He was at the same playground, pushing his second baby on the swing. We were so glad to see each other and when he heard that Jake’s anniversary and birthday were approaching, he promised to mark both on his calendar so his whole family could think of Jake. It warmed my heart to know that even strangers became connected to us and Jake through this bench.

Another heart-warming story happened on Christmas Eve last year. I ended up writing to the local newspaper about it. You can read the article through this link: https://www.kincardinerecord.com/story.php?id=10377

Planting a Tree

My husband’s parents arranged for a tree to be planted near the Kincardine Splash Pad. The plaque read:

It’s a beautiful maple tree and I have enjoyed watching it grow and flourish over the years.

My parents originally planted a tree in their back yard and got a plaque of their own. They got comfort from sitting by it on Jake’s death anniversary. After they moved to a senior’s community, they arranged for a tree to be planted there. My dad put flowers there, on the most recent anniversary, and I know they visit it when they walk the dog. It’s nice for my parents to have something concrete that they can visit, since they live so far away from Jake’s grave.

A Plant

After Jake died, my mother-in-law bought a Jacob’s Ladder Plant for every adult in the family. The one at Jake’s gravestone only survived a few seasons, but it used to bloom right around the time of Jake’s anniversary, which felt special. My sister’s plant has survived. On Jake’s anniversary, she this wrote to me:

“This year my Jacob’s ladder plant looks really good. I sure appreciate that Sue gifted us that plant. It’s my little shrine to Jake and I started the day sitting with it and listening to what I consider to be “our song” (i.e. me and Jake’s). The pictures don’t really do it justice. But I started the day here and I’ve been out twice since then.”

She later told me that it’s by her front doorstep and she looks at it every day as she goes by. She thought it had died after the first season, and felt sad to lose this symbol of Jake. When she realized it had come back the following year, she felt all the power of the “new life” metaphor we so often use in the springtime, in a very personal way. Like my parents’ tree, this plant gave my sister a place to feel closer to Jake.

My parents moved the plaque from their old tree to their new yard and planted a bleeding heart plant.

Painted Rocks

I have seen painted rocks around a few memorial trees. Some are expertly done and others are clearly done by little children. It makes me imagine just how many different people love the person the tree was planted for. Painted rocks could easily be put by a gravestone as well. You can buy acrylic paint or pens for rocks. We used a rock painting kit. It was a nice way to involve the kids.

A Brick

This brick is part of the Kincardine Splash Pad. It was donated to us by a local family who didn’t even know us personally. Jake never got to play in the splash pad, so it feels right to have something to signify his presence while my other children frolic through the water. There are often things being built that will allow engravings for donors. Most of the boards on the Kincardine boardwalk are engraved with words from donors. I’ve also seen plaques for this in community centres and churches.

Jewelry

There are endless types of memorial jewelry you can purchase, as well as regular jewelry that might have a special colour or shape with personal significance. This necklace was made for us by the children’s hospice. It has Jake and Robin’s actual footprints in it. My sister also purchased beautiful memorial necklaces for me, my mother, and both my sisters. It was nice to know that we all had one, and if I wasn’t able to wear mine, one of them would likely be wearing theirs. I purchased one for Robin to wear someday and I have stored it away until she is ready for it.

Quilt

I kept all of Jake’s old clothes. Getting them back out for the first time, after he died, was so hard that I felt sick and could hardly breath. I did get used to seeing them, though, and using them for our next set of children helped us reminisce and remember Jake as we went about our normal parenting activities. I took pictures of Zach and Casey in the clothes, which I later used to create a book comparing Jake’s life and their lives (see my other blog post on books).

After Zach and Casey outgrew Jake’s clothes, I couldn’t bear to part with them. In a generous labour of love, my friend’s mother-in-law made us two quilts (using his baby blankets for the backing). When I see my children lying with their blankets, it makes me feel like Jake and my living children are more connected. When I wrap the blanket around myself, I like to think that it’s like Jake is cuddled up to me.

Start a Charity

The Jacob Hillerby Memorial Bursary has been so meaningful to me. My sister was the driving force, working with the University to get it started. It has given friends and family a way to come together to support us and Jake. It has given Jake a legacy that will live on even after we die. And it’s not just an idea. It has already changed lives, and we have managed to meet each award recipient, in person. This is a picture of the most recent two recipients. They are incredible young people, just like Jake would have been, and we are honoured to support them.

My cousin, inspired by this idea, helped her palliative friend, Bronwyn, create a similar bursary at her Alma Mater, Queen’s University. It gave Bronwyn comfort to know that she had a legacy that would live on.

As far as I know, the best way to get started is to contact the Awards Department at the university of your choice. I’m sure a general call to the university could direct you to the right place. My cousin’s advice was not to worry too much about the details of the award before you get started. The process took about four months and they were given many options to choose from during the process. Some universities require a certain amount of money up-front to start the award. It just depends on the institution. I also know of people who have created memorial awards at their children’s high schools. I don’t know much about that, but I’m sure a simple call to the school office would get your started.

Supporting a Charity

Starting your own charity may not be ideal for everyone. Many people choose support an existing charity in honour of a loved one. It could be a charity to help cure the disease the loved one had (e.g. Run for the Cure), or just something the person really cared about (e.g. the Environment). Even something as simple as a jar you throw change into could be used to help people in need and become extremely meaningful.

Stuffed Animals – Jake Bear and Jake Cow

Jake had two cow “Lovies” when he was a baby. We buried him with one, and kept the other for our family. Robin slept with it for a long time. We all give it a hug now and then. We also used it to represent Jake’s place in pictures. More recently, my friend made me a teddy bear out of Jake’s old pajamas. We used this bear in our most recent family picture.

Memorials Other People Have Done

Memorial Playground

During a playground crawl to Goderich, we discovered the most incredible playground. It was the Hunter Costello Memorial Playground, and it had a large sign with a beautiful picture of Hunter.

I contacted Hunter’s mother afterward to tell her how much we enjoyed the playground. I asked her for advice on how someone could create a memorial playground. Here is what she said:

“Getting a playground organized is a big-time commitment from a fundraising standpoint, it really depends on the township but they range in price from $75 – $250k on average (I’m sure some are much more now adays). I would highly recommend they partner with a town as they then provide the land and liability, but I’ve seen private before too.  We are still fundraising, to add to the playground – so it’s an ongoing commitment for us. You can include our e-mail for anyone who wants to reach out – happy to answer any questions.”

Here is their website: www.huntercostellomf.ca

Here is Catherine’s email address: HunterCostelloMF@outlook.com

Memorial Tattoos

I had planned to get a tattoo soon after Jake died, even though I do not consider myself a tattoo person. I needed something on the outside to represent the invisible love and pain and loss I was feeling on the inside. Even the pain of getting the tattoo felt like it would be cathartic because it would be nothing in comparison to my emotional pain. It might even distract from it. I went so far as to get a design and try a temporary version, but then I needed to start fertility treatments and I decided to wait until after my pregnancy. Once I had the time and energy again to consider it, I felt that I already had enough memorials and I didn’t need this one. I still have the template framed on my wall, though.

My friend and mentor, Lynne Jordan, and her husband have gotten memorial tattoos and found them very meaningful. They participated in a video about it:

https://kitchener.ctvnews.ca/mobile/permanent-memorials-to-hold-onto-someone-dear-1.4116893

Lighting a Candle

A memorial doesn’t have to be anything labour-intensive. I’ve heard of many people who get comfort simply from lighting a candle. Candles have been used in so many spiritual ceremonies throughout history. The candle can seem like a symbol that the person’s light keeps shining, whether you believe that their actual spirit continues on, or that their light will never go out in your heart. A spiritual advisor of mine told me that grieving people often call her and ask her to light a candle for their deceased loved-ones. It gives people comfort just knowing that a candle has been lit to honour the person they miss. Families could do this together, even from far away. I’ve also heard of a candle being lit on a special occasion, when the loved-one’s presence is particularly missed.

Conclusion

There’s no right or wrong way to make a memorial for your loved one. If you are not ready to do anything right now, then don’t. Listen to your intuition and emotions and just do what feels right for you and your grief, in the moment. You have your whole life to do whatever feels meaningful. There is absolutely no rush.