Memorials with Pictures

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What Can You Do with Pictures?

After Jake died, it felt like pictures and videos were all we had left. I would go through his pictures starting at birth, all the way through to the end, over and over. I came to know those pictures inside out. No matter how many times I viewed them, they always ended the same way. I wished desperately for a new glimpse of Jake; Something I hadn’t seen a million times. Over time, I used the pictures we had to honour Jake in new ways, and to create some new visions of him. I wanted to share some the ways we did this.

Collecting Pictures

After Jake died, my sister put out a plea on social media to collect as many pictures of Jake as possible; Even if they were just slightly different duplicates of pictures people had sent us in the past. We ended up getting many photos and videos we didn’t already have. It was priceless to get another view of Jake. Our friends created a website for Jake (jacobhillerby.com) where people could share stories, pictures, and videos, all in one place. We asked people to write all stories to Robin (e.g. Dear Robin, when you and Jake were babies…”). As I posted pictures on the website, I also posted as many stories as I could remember about my time with Jake and Robin. When I go back and read them now, I realize, I would not be able to write them in as much detail now as I did then. I’m so glad that I have those memories preserved.

Photo “Button” on Jake’s Gravestone

After much consideration, we ended up getting a very elaborate gravestone for Jake. We figured, “Hey, some people spend this much for a beautiful bathroom. We want a beautiful gravestone.” And we have never regretted it. We decided to get a “button” added onto the gravestone, with Jake’s picture on it. This way, anyone walking by can see how beautiful Jake was. Every once in a while, we hear that someone has been visiting Jake’s grave. It just shows that you never know who will be there, and it’s nice that they get to see his face when they do.

Redoing the One Year Photo

Robin and Jake never got a one-year photo together, since Jake died a day before their first birthday. It was a huge regret of mine, because I had considered doing the pictures slightly early and decided not to. I asked a local artist (Jessica Cormier) if I could hire her to sketch Jake into Robin’s one year photo. She is such a kind person that she gifted us an entire painting of Robin and Jake. As a toddler, Robin would talk to the painting and say goodnight to Jake. When I sang Robin songs at night, I would look up at the painting and sing it to Jake as well. It still hangs in Robin’s room and it still means so much to us.

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Age Progression

One of the hardest things to wrestle with after Jake died, was not knowing what he would have looked like as he grew up. He was so beautiful and I used to look at him and think what a handsome teenager and adult he would be. After researching into age progression apps without success (even emailing an app in progress), we decided to use Phojoe to do age progression pictures. This company uses a combination of artists and computer technology to estimate what the person would have looked like. It’s the same technique police have used for missing persons.

Here is the website that includes a video example of how they do it: https://phojoe.com/age_progression/

Since Jake’s twin, Robin, was four years old at the time, we had Jake’s picture progressed to her age. When we were done, they offered a deal on a second age progression picture, since they already had all his data there. We picked teenager.

What they required:

• Pictures of his parents at our current age and the age we wanted his picture progressed to.
• Pictures of his siblings at a similar age.
• The most recent pictures we had of Jake.

The first time we got the picture back, I felt disappointed. It wasn’t at all how I had pictured Jake. So, I kept sending it back and getting them to make changes until I felt that it was as good as we could get it. I had no idea, until then, that I actually did have picture in my mind of what Jake would look like. It was almost like working with one of those police sketch artists. Here are the photos of Jake’s baby picture, the first attempt, and the end after working with them.

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We had them fix his teeth and hair, and adjust his eye slightly. Although I think real life Jake would have been more handsome than this, it has been nice having a picture of Jake at the age he should be right now. It has let me show his toddler siblings that he is their older brother. On their birthday, it let me post a picture of both my twins at the same age, instead of Robin at age four, and Jake as a baby.

Below are Jake’s teenage age progression pictures, at the start and after we worked with them.

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We had them change his hair colour and style, widen his face, change his ear lobe shape and adjust his teeth (to be more like the hereditary traits in our family). We ended with a picture I felt I could recognize as my son. And I couldn’t have done it without their help and the starting picture as a reference. Doing age progression was very healing for me.

David’s Drawings

We decided to use Jake’s age progression picture to draw Jake into a picture with the rest of his siblings. David’s Drawings (https://davidsdrawings.com/)is reasonably priced because they use a computer to help with the drawing, and contract out to many artists, sending it out to whichever one is available. As a result, the style of the drawings varies somewhat, but you can choose between a few difference mediums (pencil crayon, water colour, cartoony, black and white). I also ended up sending the picture back once to ask for a change. Bothering people to do things does not come naturally to me, but for something this important, it is necessary. It doesn’t replace a photo, but you can absolutely tell it’s them.

Jake as an Angel

I wanted a visual image of Jake as an angel to help Robin understand what happened to him and where he is now. A kind friend did this for us. I used it in a book I made for Robin (see next section).

Photo Story Books

Robin was just one year old when Jake died. After a few months, my mom asked me what I had told Robin about Jake’s death. I realized I hadn’t really told her anything. I didn’t think she’d understand. At that point, I decided to make her a book to help her understand. The child development coordinator in Kincardine helped me write it to make sure it was positive, and not scary to a child (e.g. “The doctors and nurses were so kind to Jake and tried their best to make him better”). It told the story of their whole lives together from the womb, to growing, to Jake being sick, his death, how we remember him, and where we believe his soul is now. After many many readings, I was even able to get through it without crying. It helped Robin (and later their younger siblings) understand what happened to Jake. Later, I made a book for their younger twin siblings, paralleling their lives with Robin and Jake’s and explaining how they can still have a relationship with Jake now. I used his age progression picture in this one. If anyone is interested in making one of your own, please feel free to contact me and I will send you the script.

Collages

We made several photo collages for the funeral. When a friend (Sarah Chisholm – Photographer/Artist) asked if there was anything she could do, I asked her if she could arrange to get the photo collages framed. She did this for us and would not accept any money for them. They now hang in our hallway. Our children have always enjoyed looking at the photos, even as babies, and we can easily show Jake to newcomers in our home.

Here is Sarah’s website if you are interested in seeing any of her art. It is incredible. http://sarahchisholmphotography.zenfolio.com/

Family Photo Wall

A friend, who is a photographer, created a family photo wall for us, in honour of Jake. It’s on the wall beside my bed. My son, Zach, often comments on it when he lies in bed with me. It’s another great way to engage the children with Jake and we have added other family pictures to it over time.

Conclusion

Looking at all the ideas together, it seems like I have done a ton of memorial things with pictures. Keep in mind, this all happened over years and I got help with nearly all of it. Even the age progression was researched by my sister. I just picked the one she most recommended. As I mentioned in my “What Does it Mean to Jacquify” page, Jacquifying is only possible through the many contributions of other people. You will “Youify” in a way and in a time and a place that works best for you. There is absolutely nothing you need to do right now, but survive.

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