Jake died when his twin sister, Robin, was only a year old. Two years later we had another boy and girl. None of them would ever have explicit memories of Jake. We were glad that this meant they would never feel the pain of Jake’s loss the way we do, but it also felt so unfair that they would never actually know their brother, in life.

Death is a very abstract concept to try to explain. Many books have been written that explain death to children, but after reading through several of those, I realized that what I really needed was one specifically about Jake, with my beliefs, that would allow my children to really see who Jake was and how they are connected to him. Our Infant Development Coordinator, Jenny Raspberry, did some research and wrote me a script that I could use and modify to write a book for Robin. I found this script so helpful that I decided to share these books in case anyone else would like to make something similar for their children. Don’t be scared off by the talk about Heaven, if that’s not what you’re into. I have included other options for wording of the concepts, depending on your values.

Basic Components of These Books:

• An introduction to life as it is now
• An introduction to Jake as he is now
• An explanation of Jake’s life and how it was connected to theirs (whether it was things they did together or things they did that were the same, within the same family.
• What happened to Jake.
• How can they relate to Jake now. This section of the book is dependent on the beliefs of the person writing it.
• What they can expect when they see Jake again in Heaven. This part would be completely left out of some people’s books.

Our Big Brother, Jake

I’m starting with this one because it’s the less sad of the two books. It was made for the younger ones, who never lived with Jake, so didn’t need as much detail about his sickness and passing.

Introduction to Life as it is Now

Introduction to Jake Now

We used an age-progressed picture of him to be the “Present Day” Jake in Heaven. If I didn’t want to talk about Heaven, I might say, “We also have a big brother named Jake. He died when he was one year old, but we think he would have looked like this right now.”

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How Jake’s Life Relates to Theirs

This is obviously done in twin pairs, but this could easily be done comparing any number of siblings at similar ages. My children love comparing themselves to each other and guessing which baby is which. This book could be just as good without quite as many pictures. I just had a lot of similar ones I wanted to put in. Hint: Jake and Robin are always on the left.

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What Happened to Jake

Although I didn’t discuss how Jake died in the book, they went through a stage when they wanted repeated explanations. It wasn’t easy, but we got through it. And repetition works well to help me with grief triggers. I’m much better at explaining how Jake died (without getting emotional) to any kid who asks now.

How They Can Relate to Jake Now

If I didn’t believe in Heaven, I might say something like, “Even though our family didn’t get a lot of time with Jake, our love for him lives on. We will always love Jake, and we will always feel connected to him. He is an important part of our family. We like to remember Jake by…” (then I would list the ways we honour his memory). Or to keep options open you could say, “Some people believe a part of us lives on after we die. Some people believe we live on in the hearts and memories of the people who love us.” You can explore what you believe as you grow up.”

Me and My Twin

This book was written only a few months after Jake died. My mom asked me what I had told Robin about what happened to Jake. I realized I hadn’t really told her anything. She was only a little over a year old. We looked at Jake’s pictures and she nursed in a carrier while I sobbed at his grave, but it never occurred to me that she was old enough to have a full explanation of what happened. My mom said, “Young children understand more than you think.” I decided that the only way that she might get some understanding of it was through a picture book. This story is more detailed than the one for the younger siblings, because Jake and Robin actually lived their lives together up until that point. It also explains exactly how Jake died, because I felt she needed to understand that at the time. It took many many readings to be able to read it without crying. And now I’m out of practice, so I’m back to square one.

Just in case pictures of Jake’s time in the hospital would be traumatizing to anyone, I’m going to put a warning in big letters right before that part, and another big “It’s over!” afterwards, so you can scroll past it, if you want. There is some important dialogue in there that our Infant Development Consultant recommended to help Robin not become afraid of doctors and hospitals, so if you wish to include a part about the hospital in your book, I suggest reading that part. If I had to do it again, I think I would make the book a little more concise. I did end up paraphrasing it for her when she was young. But I also wanted it to be a book that she could always have to look back on as she grew, so I included more details than I normally would for very young children. She’s six years old now and we still sometimes go back and read it.

Introduction to Life as it is Now

Introduction to Jake

If you’re not sure about spiritual beliefs, it could be rephrased into something like, “So many people have loved me throughout my life… One of the people who has loved me most is…” and then show a regular picture of the person.

How Jake’s Life is Connected to Hers

WARNING: IMAGES OF JAKE IN HOSPITAL COMING

What Happened to Jake

OKAY, IT’S OVER

Where Jake is and How to Relate to Him Now

If I didn’t believe in Heaven, I would probably show Jake surrounded by pictures of our current, living, family, just like Robin’s picture was at the beginning, and include Robin in the collage. Then I would say, “My family loves Jake, just like they love me. He will live on in our hearts and memories. As my twin, he will always be a part of me.” Or “Even if my brain doesn’t remember him explicitly, a part of me will always be impacted by the times we spent together.”

Alternatively, for a less spiritual version could be something like: “Jake and I were born together, but I can keep living for both of us. I will experience everything life has to offer. As I learn and grow, a part of Jake will always be with me. We are twins, and nothing can change that.”

Conclusion

Maybe you can’t handle making sibling books right now, and that’s okay. What your kids really need is a parent who is doing enough self-care to function. Maybe doing a book like this is for another time. Or maybe someone else would make it for you. Or maybe that’s not at all what your family needs. Everyone is different. Do what works for you and your family.